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Friday, 5 September 2014

To the Commitment Phobic Boy/Girl...

To the Relationship Phobic Boy/ Relationship Phobic Girl,

Shit happens. So does love. You can’t control it any more than you can control the weather. Even weather forecasters get it wrong sometimes. So that’s saying something about love too… that no one is an expert. No one. You thought you loved someone, really put yourself out there and had your heart broken. Brutally. Horrible isn't it? Love makes you so vulnerable. It opens you up and it opens your heart. So now you've built up all these defenses; built up a whole suit of armor made up with emotional tests; ‘just friends’ tags; “it’s not you, it’s me” phrases or just paranoia to see who is “worthy”.

Then one person comes along willing to give you the time of day even when you cower behind your armor. They wander into your stupid life. You fight a constant battle whether you should give them a piece of you or not because they did something dumb one day like smile at you or show genuine concern for you or maybe even kiss you and now you don’t know if your life is your own anymore and you’re afraid. You blow hot and cold because you want to keep that person around but not let them get too close. You’re stuck… and now so are they.

So here’s a bitter truth for you: Love.Takes. Hostages.
It is all-consuming. That’s just how it is.

It doesn't get easier. Your fear of a repeat performance of a past failed relationship will cripple you. Like all fear cripples. No one can rescue you from heartache but yourself. People will tell you all the “would haves”, “should haves” and “could haves”. But they can’t feel the feelings for you. All you have is you and your choices. It’s all you.

Screw your failed relationship even if it was your “first love”! Someone walked in after that and made you feel whole again; made you feel like you could tell them anything when you thought you could never feel that way again. That’s the stuff that should be applauded! No one cares about your first love. If someone is willing to take a leap of faith with a broken you, it’s up to you, if you want to take a leap too.

However, you need to know, that they won’t wait around forever. It doesn't matter what they say. They are agreeing to being okay with your uncertainty only to give you space to find yourself, hoping that you’ll come around. They won’t wait forever because of a natural human tendency to survive; to move away from pain both emotional and physical. And unfortunately for you, if they wake up one day and realize you have now become the reason for that pain and that although you may desire them, you do not value them, it won’t take them long to leave.

So choose the love. Not the fear of uncertainty. You are far too smart to be the only thing standing in your own way to happiness.

Get well soon,
People in the "it’s complicated'" zone

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